I went to the Awaken women’s conference, through my mother-in-laws church, expecting a fresh perspective, maybe a jump-start, or something. However, what I got was an eye-opening (awakening) experience. Funny, how that works. You would have thought, I would have expected that since that is what it was called. 🙂
You see, I am well aware of my flaws and try to work on them, most of the time. I spend my time with the Lord, fairly regularly, and do my part, trying not to break any of Gods commands (now I know, I am not perfect or I wouldn’t need Jesus).
The weeks leading up to this conference, I was on a Sabbatical (that is what I called it… it was like a soul-searching, dig into God’s word, getting focused or I am going to move to the wilderness…kind of adventure) so I already felt super-charged for God. So I thought, I was going to get minimal out of this experience. Well, God has a funny way of bringing us back to reality. lol
There were four speakers at this conference. The first one right away talked about what I consider my number one crutch….Relationships.
You see I can have relationships with kids all day long and even adults too, but there is this bubble, I try to keep myself in (but it always gets popped one way or another); not because I have much to hide but because I am imperfect..as most people are…but it bugs me that I cannot be perfect like God, for God ( I know a crazy idea but I am trying to be real here).
Also, because I dread being judged (which comes from my past which is a whole other long story, that I will tell if someone needs to know, but not now). So here I am, at this conference thinking … well, I know Lord, I got to work on that … where is the fresh perspective, the jump-start, something. 🙂 I don’t think I realized, what I was asking for.
Well, the second speaker came up. She started to talk about her past and how much the past affects the today. So she asks us to write a list about things that hurt us in the past. I encourage you to write this list to now before you read the next part.
So she gave her example, I can’t remember what hers was so I will be brave and share mine, but no judging, please. She said write some major things from your past that turned your world upside down. So I did…
- My best friends death (she took her life)
- Another friends death (he also took his life)
- A circumstance at an old church where I was judged
- A Pastor’s Betrayal
- My Father-in-law’s death
That was all I had time for, probably could have listed a bit more. So then she said now I want you to think about what messages satan was telling you during those circumstances. ( I don’t know if that is exactly, how she worded it but the same basic idea. So i did…
- My best friends death (she took her life) You are not a good friend.
- Another friends death (he also took his life) You are not a good friend.
- A circumstance at an old church where I was judged You are not worthy to be called a Christian.
- A Pastor’s Betrayal Don’t let anyone get close to to you they will only hurt you.
- My Father-in-law’s death You are alone.
Now, I realize that those are lies from the devil, but I didn’t realize it, until I wrote them down and a thought about that for a minute. How much those lies had affected and were still affecting my life!
Some of these things were a really long time ago, I thought I had forgiven or at least made peace with these things. But what I realized after reflecting on these things for a moment was; they are directly (for the most part) related to my spiritual “crutches” that I have today. ( which is also funny because the conference’s main idea was ‘doing more than just spiritual limping’)
What’s more is I am still in my twenties, so most of this has happened within the last ten years and I didn’t even realize or recognize that these things effected me this way! (Talk about an awakening from my spiritual fog).
My experience, reminds me of a basement or a foundation. When we are young christians, we pour our foundation, in and through, Jesus. However, sometimes our dirt (baggage) gets mixed in. Anyone that has poured concrete knows if something gets mixed, in that is not supposed to be there, then the concrete/ foundation can become weak and crack.
However, this is not always an immediately recognizable.Sometimes, it is not till an earthquake, flood, or some other circumstance puts the foundation to the test that it cracks or crumbles. Even though it is good enough for the present, doesn’t change the fact, that the foundation is weak.
That being said… did you do the exercise above? Is there any dirt that got mixed into your foundation? Did you already crumble under pressure? It’s ok…give it to Jesus, recognize what the devil is trying to hide from you. Take in to the light. If you know where the weak spot is you can give it to Jesus, he can help you fix it.
This reminded me of a basement because some people don’t go down their much. You may not even be aware there is a crack down there untill it causes major problems. Unless… you do an inspection. May God bless you on your journey as he did on mine. 🙂
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. Isaiah 58:12
He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure. Isaiah 33:6
So this is what the Sovereign LORD says: “See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who relies on it will never be stricken with panic. Isaiah 28:16